Lost in Light, Found in Darkness
by Shaposhit
Summary: What do we know about the time when Tohru went back to her family after the remodeling was finished? Kyo got angrier than usual, and Yuki was flustered. I take a new spin on this. KyoxYuki, YukixKyo rated for mature themes and language. Diary form.
1. Bloody Sunset

By the way, lorettaINSERTNUMBERHERE, I am working on a HaruxTohru for you. So here's basically how this one is layed out:

_Italics _are Yuki's thoughts.

**Bold **is Kyo.

WARNINGS: Shounen-ai...alas...I can't help it, okay?! Also, PG-13.

DISCLAIMER: Blahblah, I don't own Fruits Basket.

SUMMARY: This takes place when Tohru leaves the Sohmas to stay with her bastard cousin and family for a day or two...but for the sake of the story, I have extended the time she was away to around two weeks or so.

* * *

_She left today, you know. I heard her talking to Shigure, and then she was going to tell me...I froze up. So did she. I needed to tell her, to say something, to break our silence, I needed, maybe even, to...do something. To stop her. I needed that so badly. _

_I didn't do anything. I never do.  
_

* * *

**It's like like, she's sitting around with us, smiling her smile, and then...there's no one. No one who understands me, at any rate. No one I can talk to. No point in staying any longer, except the food. Yes. The food. The food she made. Her own two, soft, gentle hands...**

**It hurts.**

* * *

_She's gone. I can't believe it. It's only been a couple hours, and the only thing going through my mind is her walking, so slowly, almost depressedly, and then I can't see her anymore, and she's walked off to God knows where. Honda-san...she needs to return. I can't even understand this. It's not going through my mind. I need her back so badly._

* * *

**I can't get it through my head. Tohru's...gone? She's not...here anymore? A couple hours since she left, and I'm already falling into my old habits of useless anger. I snapped at that damn rat, today. I don't usually do that for no good reason - I do it for a bad reason, but there is a reason. I had just gotten to the top of the stairs, and he was just rounding the corner...**

* * *

_Ow. My shoulder still hurts._

* * *

**Evening. Shigure's not helping, not to mention the fact that the food...if anyone can thoroughly burn food, it is Sohma Yuki. Actually, in retrospect, I'm not even sure it was food. Maybe he just threw some plastic in the rice cooker.**

**Anyway. I kept on waiting for Tohru to show up for dinner, to poke her head around the door and say she got held up at work, and every time I heard a rustle, I would jerk around to face the door...and nothing. I feel...empty. Not in the Yuki's-cooking-is-so-bad-I-didn't-eat-anything empty way. In the achy, there's-something-missing-in-this-picture-oh-hey-I-wonder-what-it-is empty. **

**Other than that, I guess everything feels normal. I keep on thinking Tohru's gonna show up in the morning, back from a sleepover at her friend's house. It's so odd, when I remind myself she's not. I can't even go on the roof, or I remember the times we shared up there, the conversations, the sympathy. I won't cry. I can't.**

* * *

_Last night, I had a dream..._

_Dancing. Dancing with Honda-san. A tango, or maybe a ballroom. Music, soft, un-noticable. At first, I'm gazing down into her face, clear as crystal and just as pretty, as always. I feel comforted, but then, things start to blurr. I spin her around, and she's laughing, but it looks like I'm crying - my view's all blurry. I can't focus on her face, or the wall behind her. I can't her the music anymore, and I'm guessing when the beats are. It's confused._

_Only one thing clear. Her hand, soft as silk, resting lightly on top of mine. I feel her fingers caress my palm, and I grasp that hand like there's no tomorrow, like it's my lifeline. Maybe it is. Anything can happen in a dream. _

_And anything and everything does happen, but it doesn't matter, because I'm holding Honda-san's hand, and even though I can't see her face, I know she's smiling at me, leading my through dance steps I don't know to music I can't hear, and she's smiling, smiling only at me. Her smile, radiant as sunlight, even if I can't see it. Her hand, delicate as lace._

_When I woke, I was lying on the floor, surrounded by the mess, my hand entangled in one of my discarded silk shirts._

* * *

**Today at school, I got another detention. Some guy said something about a police inquiry being made about Tohru...he was saying, wouldn't shut up, saying he always knew she was a...a slut. I snapped on him so bad, I think I knocked a couple of his teeth out. It felt good. So good. Fist meet face, face meet fist, body meet floor. **

**But, afterwards, while I was serving the damn detention, I thought about Tohru. What would she think if she could see me...even if she knew I was protecting her honor?**

**Well, I know what she'd say. She'd give me some crap about her own honor meaning nothing compared to my school record, or something. She'd get all teary over me, though, and then I'd get that happy feeling thing inside...and I had this vision of her, her smile, her walking away down the path, knowing she's gone...and I fell apart. I walked out on the detention. I know I'll catch it later, when it gets back to the school administration.**

**Oh. I saw her, too. I brushed her off. It's only going to be harder for me, later, if I can't accept the fact that she's gone from the Sohmas forever, and that it'll be better for her this way...but right now, it hurts so much.**

* * *

_Woke up, sadly. Went to school. Did some stuff. Came home. Did more stuff. Fell asleep. What does it matter?_

_I only remember one thing about today...Honda-san, in the hallway. She said hello, and I replied like I always do, like things hadn't changed...but they have changed, big time. She asked me to still be her friend, and so I will, no matter what. But I can't look at her without remembering all those meals shared, all those sweet things she did, all the help she did around the house, how it felt to be around her 24/7...something I had never appreciated until I saw her for, maybe, two minutes a day._

_Room...going...blurry...zzzzzzzzzz._

* * *

**Yuki was being an idiot again today, as always. He comes home from school, right, and takes a moment on the couch, head resting in his hand all depressed-emo-like, and he stayed there for a really long time, until Shigure asks me if I want pepperoni or cheese, and I want to know what kind of pizza he hates most (so I can order it), so I go over to see if he's still alive (not that I care), and so I poke him.**

**He doesn't move.**

**I poke him again.**

**He still doesn't move.**

**I start freaking out. Slightly. I'm like "HE'S LEFT ME ALONE WITH THE PERVERTED DOG?! NOOOOOOOOO! SAY SOMETHING, YUKI!!!" when Shigure comes in and goes "Kyon-kyon, what are you angsting about?", and then he notices Yuki, and he goes over and pokes him several times, like I did. Then he starts laughing. **

**I'm like, "You sick freak."**

**And he's like, "It's fun to poke sleeping people."**

**And I'm like "..."**

**And he's like "You thought he was dead?...You cared?"**

**And I'm like "Sausage. I want sausage pizza."**

* * *

_Shigure has this annoying habit of poking me until I wake up. It tickles like hell. So, this afternoon, I wake up all disorientated, and there's this achy pain right below my ribs. It's bruising really dark - Shigure must have really been poking me a long time. Can my life get any worse? AND we had sausage pizza for dinner, which I happen to hate very much. _

_I fell asleep on the couch this afternoon, and so I can't sleep at night. When I go to school, I'm tired on account of getting no sleep the past night, and so I fall asleep in the time before classes start, at lunch, in class, whenever. Then, again, that night I cannot sleep. Rinse, lather, repeat. _

_Someone talks to me. I see their mouth moving, I hear the words, but I cannot understand them. It is one big fuzz. Are they speaking another language? Am I talking to Momiji? I can't tell. I'm confused. I don't know what they're asking of me, and so I cannot respond, and I get flustered. I nod randomly, or shake my head, and when they look at my strangely, I realize I answered the question wrong. I don't care._

_Sleep and waking are the only two things that make sense to me anymore. Do I eat? Do I drink? Do I think? I can't tell. My days blend together, I think, and I can't pick out anything individual. It's one big mess, my life is._

* * *

**It's like I'm on constant hyper alert for Tohru, looking out for her around every corner, spinning around every time I hear a woman's voice that sounds vaugely like her's (yes, this includes Yuki's), and yet, at school, I dart out of her way or her friends' ways if I see them coming. I refuse to be involved with her, to cause her more pain. **

**I wish she was still with us, and at the same time...**

**I think, maybe, this was best. If she was never involved with me. I'm too dangerous, too fragile, too dark for her. My secrets are too heavy for her, and I cannot shatter her peaceful world. I cannot bring the end of her happiness. I have my secrets, hidden deep within me, deeper than the dark thoughts I think, deeper than even my feelings for her, and they would destroy her, rip her soul as they did my mother's. I know that, and so I hide from her, I keep my silence.**

**I had thought that I would be silent no more, that I would tell her all I feel, but this changes everything. Even, maybe, I am less on the lookout for her now. I jump less at the sound of footsteps, I sink lethargically into my own angry thoughts, and I punch senseless anyone who is fool enough to make a refrence to anything that vaugely sounds like it could pertain to Tohru (Shigure is collecting a mass of bruises). **

**I'm not getting better after all, am I? I'm just going into denial.**

**I welcome it. It hurts less.**

* * *

_I like sleeping. It helps me escape my pain, which is why I never wake up. I think I need 24 hours of sleep a day, maybe more. _

_My grades are dropping almost as fast as England's population, because I never stay awake in class or do my homework. I got called into talk to some fancy-pants vice principal, or whatever, and he was talking about apply myself to whatever the hell it was, but I didn't really hear him, because I fell asleep. I got a detention, for the first time in my life. _

_They called my parents. My parents hung up on them after the words "Yuki's grades are dropping". First they thought it was hoax of some sort, and then when they found out it wasn't, my dear old mother called me in to talk to her._

_I'm not going. They can't make me. I'll just...I don't know. I won't go. I won't face them. Shigure doesn't give a rat's ass (please excuse the reference) about my grades, but he does care about the Sohmas. Why? I don't care about anything, and so it doesn't matter. He's going to try to get me to go...if I really have to, I guess I'll have to go. I don't care. They can say whatever, do whatever, but nothing can make this worse._

_My limbs feel so heavy, almost as heavy as my heart...I'm giving up, I can feel it. Do I care? Do I want to care?_

* * *

**Yuki had some kind of appointment to go to the main house today, or whatever, and Shigure said he'd be out at the time when Yuki was supposed to go, so Hatori was going to come pick him up. I was home, though, but I wasn't watching for any cars, so...**

**That damn rat overslept and missed his ride. **

**I'd heard it was going to be around 6:00, so when it was 7:30, I realized what'd happened when I went downstairs to get a snack, and he was snoring away on the couch like nobody's business. Did I wake him up? Hell no. Could I even wake him up? I doubt it. Not my problem. Geesh. **

**Well, now it's 8:00, and Shigure's not home, so I guess Yuki and the main house will just have to deal with it. I don't care. Why would I care? Jesus. Ohh...hungry. I wonder if Tohru left any more leftovers?...Tohru. If you were here, this never would have happened. Any of it. Come home, my sweet Tohru. I'll tell you all my secrets, I'll throw myself in front of you, I'll do anything, but come home. I can't stand this.**

**10:00 and Shigure's still not home. Getting on my nerves, that stupid dog said he'd be home by 8:30. I hate this all!**

**10:30. Getting jumpy. Can't concentrate on my homework (haven't been able to since she left), can't do my workouts (see past reference)...I'll get some milk.**

**As I'm making my way back from the kitchen, I notice Yuki, sprawled out on the couch. I decide he's pathetic enough as it is, what with sleeping all the time the way he does, and seeing as he's not able to get over Tohru...to get over...to get over her. Which I am. Over her, I mean. So I'm sitting there, with them damn feelings, unsure, tentative, and I decide finally he's pathetic enough, which I've already said, and so I pick him up to carry him to his room. **

**We make it safely up the stairs, despite my almost crashing into the wall/railing/floor about five times (each), and I'm practically tripping over my own shoelaces, despite my being barefoot, and my breathing's coming hard from all the extra weight, and my cheeks are all flushed, and I'm tired, but we're almost to the point where I can dump Yuki in his room and pretend the whole thing never happened, so I take a break against the wall.**

**I'm leaning against the wall, propping Yuki up with one arm, while the other one steadies me, and we're so close, and my breathing's slowing down, but I'm not getting any cooler, and my shoulders are all tense, and Yuki's face is impossibly close to mine, and his hair's falling everywhere, and Shigure should be home by now, and whatever happened to my homework, and my thoughts are all over the place, and Yuki's still so close to me, I can't feel the floor under my icy-cold feet, and I don't know what I'm doing, and I'm so burning hot yet so freezing at the same time, and Yuki's still dozing against the wall, and we're so close and yet not touching, and, and...**

* * *

_My dream..._

_Dancing again. Not ballroom, not tango. School dance style. Blaring music. Bodies all around. Stoned DJ. Drunk supervisors. Not my kind of place. This time, I can see clearly, I can hear everything, and yet I'm lost. I can't find Honda-san, but I know she's here. I feel her touch on my shoulder, but I turn around, and no one's there. I hear her whisper in my ear, but there is no sound other than the bad music. I see a flash of blue-green, like her eyes, but I take a second look, and it's just the too-bright disco lights._

_My ears throb unpleasantly with the music. My eyes are forced to close by the cheap strobe lights. My body shakes with the floor, so many people are around me. I can't breathe. I can't think. I need to get out. _

_There are no doors, or at least, none I can see. I search in vain for anyone I know, anyone who can guide me through this. There is no one, just some lame-brain fan club girls throwing themselves at me. I really do need to get away, or I'll transform, what with all these people around me. I see an opening through the people, out into the gardens outside, and I run through it, darkness, stars, and a lake flashing by me, in the wild way dreams do. _

_Images. Honda-san, smiling. Shigure, teasing her. Honda-san, looking sweetly worried. My own hands, twisting in my lap anxiously. Akito's cruel smile...NO! Darkness, all around me. My life, black as my cooking. Another image. Honda-san, Shigure, my idiot of a brother, Momiji, Haru, Akito, Rin, so many. But not all. There are some missing. Ritsu isn't there, neither is Hatori. Some others, also. Someone else is gone, too. But who?_ _Too many people in my life..._

_People are disapearing around me. First Momiji. Then Rin. Then Shigure. Then Nii-san. Then Haru. Finally, only Akito is left. Akito grins, and beckons to me. I feel myself stiffen. He walks slowly towards me, horribly tantalizing. I know what's coming. The whip. The room. And worst of all, the words. Those evil words, and Honda-san can't save me. _

_He's coming closer, hand stretched out. To caress me or slap me, I don't know, but I don't want either. I'm frozen. Can't move. Can't think. Only fear is left...Akito's so close. I'm so scared...and...a warm hand grabs mine, pulling me away. I look over my shoulder, at Akito's angry face, but I still can't move. I can only be dragged. Akito disapears, and I am unfrozen. My savior...is...gone, also. I am alone. I look down at my hand, the one that was grabbed. It's warm, so much warmer than the rest of me. _

_The cold air rushes in and envelops my hand, surrounding it with a cushion of freezing wind. The cold spreads up my arm, surrounding my heart, and I feel more hopeless than ever. The cold wakes me with a start._

* * *

**...and Yuki's eyes snap open.**

* * *

I'm totally not going to continue this unless you guys tell me to, 'cause I'm not so sure it's a good idea...but, please, tell me whatcha think! And I'll delete it if it doesn't work...


	2. Midnight Chaos

I'm SO sorry I took so long with this! First, I didn't have enough time. Second, my parents kept interrupting me. Third, FanFiction was being a bitch. On another note, I'm pretty sure there will be four or five installments...if I have enough time. Thank God I don't have deadlines. Hell, I'm glad I don't have siblings, or my computer time would be even more limited. I'm sorry, but at the end Bold and Italics spazzed on me, so Yuki and Kyo's thoughts are no longer properly differentiated. I'm writing the POV in the corner to help.

All I can say about this chapter is, I'm pumping up the Y. And I'm not talking about axis. I don't know what I'm talking about. And the weird thing is, the way I sit at my computer, the first words my eyes alight on every time I open this up is "kissing him". XD.

* * *

_I'm awake, which is odd, because I usually take a while to fully become aware of my surroundings. It must be night, because all the lights are on, and it feels like they ought not to be. The light is unnatrually bright, filling the hallway with a brash, harsh light that leaves nothing to the imagination. No shadowy corners filled with dreams. No dark crevices, hiding monsters. Just a hallway. Boring. Dull. Flat. Yet, his eyelashes make such shadows on his cheekbones, like dark blades of grass. Like ferns, waving over water. And his half-closed eyes leap out at me, sparkling and yet misty at the same time._

_And I'm thinking about all this, putting into words, and wondering, I let my own eyes close. They want to. I wonder if he's going to kiss me. _

* * *

**I'm like a deer in the headlights, or a startled rabbit. I freeze. I'm pondering exactly how sore I'm going to be tomorrow when he kicks the tar out of me, but I can't move, I can't run. Like a nightmare when your legs are frozen, no matter how scared you are, you can't do anything. I can feel my hands clench, one of them still on Yuki's arm, keeping him upright. **

**I see a spark of recognition in his eyes - and then they lose focus, cloud over, and close again. I'm sure I imagined it. He seems to be dozing again, and I relax. Whatever moment of insanity I might or might not have been having earlier, it's past now. I can breathe again, I can think, and my temperature is cooling again. I pick him up, sling him over one shoulder, and resolutely march forward. ****He sighs and melts into me, which I would be more disturbed by if I hadn't just been thinking about kissing him.**

**Safe. At last. He's been dumped in his room, and I'm on my way out, when...**

* * *

_"Ain't gonna kiss the girl, Kyo?" _

_He turns around, eyes wide, in my dark doorway, framed by light, and I could swear he's glowing around the edges. It seems for a moment like he's gonna explode, like he's gonna run forward and give me what I deserve, but then he turns and runs. This game of cat and mouse is just getting more intense, and I don't think I mind anymore. _

_I fall back onto my unmade bed, no longer grinning. That wasn't like me. I don't know what's happening...first the sleeping and the slacking off, and now this...I can't fall asleep, for once in my damned life. The ceiling stares at me. It's blank, expressionless...like me. Like I used to be. Boring, princely, whatever. Yeah. That's not me anymore. I don't know if I like it. I don't know what to do with myself. _

_I haven't since Honda-san left...I want to dream of her again, I want to dream of dancing. I want to dream of pleasant things, not reality. I don't like reality one bit. I can't fall back into my dreams...I could escape from this waking hell, with a sleeping pill, but I have none. I could run free in imagination, without caffine. I could fly, do anything, knowing even if I die, I'll just wake up so I can go back to sleep. But I can't. I'm imprisoned in this bed. _

_Does it take Honda-san to make me who I am? I don't want it to be. I don't want to be dependent. _

* * *

**Can teenagers get cardiac arrest? 'Cause I swear I'm going to...**

**THAT. WAS. SCARY. Who needs haunted houses, when you can have Yuki for a cousin? My heart's beating so fast, same goes for my breath. The only thing that's moving slowly is my brain. I can hardly take in what I see. The stars don't shine tonight - it's too cloudy. The backyard's hidden in shadows. I can hardly see the roof tiles underneath me. I know this roof so well, it hardly matters. **

**I stare at the star-less sky for a long time, until morning. The sun rises, and the sky turns a horrid grey colour. It's so very placid, so very consistent. Consistent - I loathe the very word. I thrive on danger. On thrill. On chance. **

**Do I? Do I really? No, I don't think I do - at least not anymore. Tohru has softened me, God bless her soul. She's made me a better person, but I don't think I can keep it up. Not without her. It's her presence, or lack thereof, that's so powerful.**

* * *

_Breakfast. Shigure. Walking. School. Whatever. _

_My teachers have stopped expecting me to know the answer every time. I thought it would hurt when they stopped calling on me, saying "Oh, Yuki, the model student. He's so great.", but it doesn't. I'm just relieved. I can sleep through classes like those slackers I used to despise. I can skip my homework, and they'll just sigh "Again?". It's freeing, in a way. But it also feels like I've let everyone down - and I don't get the attention anymore. I'm an attention hog. I love it. It feels like they care about me, when they gush on and on, even if it's just admiration and loathing and whatever the hell. Now, no one looks my way in the hallway. I'm just the loser with the Fs and un-brushed hair. _

_Detention. _

_For fighting at school. This is ridiculous! Nothing like this has ever happened to me before! Usually, when I'm at school, I'm the nice-Yuki, good student, role model and at home I can fight Kyo constantly and mope around. Now, I don't know, it's like everything's melded together. I can't tell where I am. Home, math, it's all the same. It's disorientating. _

_Anyway. It was...at lunch, I'm pretty sure. Free period. I had my head down on the table in the corner, alone, and this guy comes over, all in-your-face. He's like "Aww, the baby can't get enough sleep?" and I'm like "Oh, grow up." and he's like "Hypocrite. I seen you, man, you used to be top of the class. Something bad happens, can't keep up with the work, and you just collapse?" and I'm like "You have no idea of my situation!" and he's like "All I know is, I hate your type. Moaping about like you ain't got a reason to live. Yeah? Maybe you don't. Maybe you should end it."_

_Well, THAT sparked my anger, considering the fact that I have, quite honestly, often considered that option. He'll never make fun of me again - not until his jaw heals, at any rate. Unfortunately, this took place in the cafeteria. Cafeterias have lunch monitors - not good ones, mind, but they are present. Lunch monitors have superiors who can hand out detentions like candy at Halloween._

* * *

**Yuki got a detention today. I mean, _I_ get them practically every day, but seeing him there was a bit of a shock. He comes in, blushing and looking around like he's never gotten a detention before (which he hasn't), so I glare at him. I figure that will make him feel more at home. Y'know, angry Kyo, Kyo's always angry, blahblah, normal day. Well, it doesn't work. **

**He takes a seat, looking all stiff and uncomfortable, like he's still prince, or something. Yeah. He's had his fall from power, but he still acts all uppity sometimes - it bugs the crap out of me. Anyway, I get back to my doodling. I'm working on a masterpiece of a girl in a robe on top of a rock being shot to death by an army of gay Stormtroopers. Now THAT is art. **

**I'm absorbed in my drawing, so I space out for a while. I'm thinking. Things haven't been normal since Tohru left, and, yes, I still light on fire every time anyone mentions her - Yuki does, too. Shigure's spending less and less time at home. I guess he's out drinking with Aya - it's his way of dealing with her absence. I'm not making things any easier for anyone, and I don't want to. I want to sulk. I don't want to care. **

**My watch beeps, and I realize the time has flown by. It's time to go home. I pack up my stuff, keeping my eyes on my hands. I don't look around - I know the kids in the back of the room are staring at me. They're afraid of me, I know. I used to be Anger Management Boy, but know I'm just downright a bad kid. I'm the kind of guy you don't want to be involved with, you know?**

**I get to the door, and I feel like something's missing. So I look around, trying to remember what I can't. Oh, right. Yuki.  
**

* * *

_Detention is basically naptime for teenagers, right? _

_My head's buried in my arms again, and I'm trying to fall asleep, but Kyo's pencil is making the most annoying squeaky scratching sound ever. I am not getting enough sleep to be healthy. It's like when you have that ringing in your ears, that you just can't get away from, and that scratching of the pencil is boring itself right behind my closed eyes. _

_The scratchy squeaking is getting louder and louder, I can hardly stand it. I am about ready to jump up and murder Kyo, but then I feel a hand on my shoulder. I look up, and it quickly withdraws. I'm blinking in the sudden light, a sense of deja vú overpowering me. I realize the pencil scratching has stopped, but I can still hear it. Creepy. ANYWAY...moving on, past my mental issues._

_His lines are blurred as my eyes blink open, but his colours are as bright and vivacious as ever. I immediately recognize him. He's standing over my desk, glancing around nervously at the losers in the back of the room, like he doesn't want to be seen fratenizing with me. Of course, due to this fact, I reach up and grab his arm. I want those losers to watch us, wondering what's going on, and asssume. He's suprisingly muscular for someone who looks so skinny, and his flesh is so warm in my hands. Either he has a fever, or I do. I can feel the heat off his warm flesh, but for some reason, it doesn't seem to penetrate beneath my own skin. Nonetheless, I think I want to eat him._

_I guess he sees this sentiment in my eyes, because he jumps back and slaps me. It doesn't hurt, but it's extremely loud, and everyone who was pretending not to stare at Kyo (he has somewhat of a reputation) stops pretending. I have this sudden sense of slapstick comedy. _

* * *

**Geez. What was I supposed to do? I realized I might as well wake him up, so he doesn't spend the night at the school, and I went over to shake him. Well, I didn't shake him. I didn't even punch him. I patted his shoulder. So then he looks up at me, all blurry and idiotic-looking, and grabs my freakin' arm. I have a reputation for hating this guy, and I'm not going to let him spoil it. Especially since the reputation is correct.**

**Well, this is all fine and dandy, except for the part where he has this totally freaky expression. His eyes are glowing with lust, and he looks almost feral. I shiver. And it's creeping me out. I do NOT want to know what he was dreaming about - no, actually, at this point, I'm more concerned about whether or not he's going to jump me. So, I react natrually. What would you do? I slapped him. I slapped him good.**

**And, of course, everyone stares at us, but Yuki's just sitting there. At least he's withdrawn the hand. I have to get out of there, and fast, as fast as fast can be, so I grab his arm and dash off. He manages to stumble and follow me, and even grabs his bookbag on the way. I could swear he waved to the teacher. This guy is something else.**

* * *

_He drags me off, and I'm fairly grateful not to be on stage anymore. My cheek is starting to sting, but I don't notice. It's not that bad. Kyo finally stops at the end of the hallway - I've been stumbling and tripping to not fall flat on my face, but I've finally built up speed - and I go flying. Kyo lets go of me, and the force pushes me through the air. It's sudden, it's exhilirating, and it's over in a second. I see the darkness of the stairwell looming beneath me, and I know there's nothing I can do to stop it. I don't have time to think...just...react. _

_I'm plummeting. _

_I can't reach anything._

_I don't have the strength._

_I don't have the reaction time._

_I don't have the luck._

_I don't have anything to push off of_

_I can't change my direction_

_I can't think_

_And he grabs my hand, pulls me back up. I know in that instant, it was his hand in my dream. He who pulled me away from Akito when I was frozen. He who melts me inside. He who just saved me again. He who's staring at me, waiting for me to say something. He, who I'm collapsing into in fright. He, who tenses at the moment I touch him. _

* * *

**That was even scarier than the "Kiss The Girl" comment. I stop, without thinking, and Yuki shoots forward. I couldn't say anything. I could just watch as his body rose in the air, graceful as ever, and it was as though he was diving into a pool, soar down the stairwell. I reached out without thinking, and by some miracle, his hand found mine. I didn't think I had the strength to lift him back up, one-handed, but by some feat, I manage. **

**He clambers shakily over the bar separating the stairwell from the hallway, his hand trembling on the metal. He manages without support, although I am ready to steady him if he should waver. My brain hasn't processed what just happened, what might have. It's one of those things where it happens, and then you're not so sure that it really did, it was over so fast, and it was so traumatic. The memory of him, stretched out in the air, eyes wide, is still lingering in my mind.**

**He dusts off his pants, and I think for a minute that he's going to give me some kind of sneering comment and walk on, as usual, but then he shudders and falls into me. He's practically crying at this point, and I have no idea how to act. I hate this side of him. It's too likeable. His arms are around my waist, his head is buried in my shoulder, and I have no idea how to act. I tense up.**

**

* * *

**

_I'm just so shocked, I'm not thinking. It's a natrual reaction, after a traumatic event, to seek comfort. _

_As his shoulders rise with tension, I realize what I've just done. Kyo jumps away at the exact same moment I do. He coughs, giving me a moment to dry my eyes and brush my hair out of my face. _

_"Sorry," I mumble._

_"Don't mention it," Kyo replies, no more articulately. _

_We walk down the stairs silently, eager to move past, but I glance at the spot I would be splattered across if not for the guy standing next to me. I draw closer to the railing at this point, not wanting to further alienate Kyo, farther than I already have. I've ruined everything, I know it. Do I care? All that matters to me, at this moment is the memory of his hand in mine, his beautiful eyes, concerned for me. Me!_

* * *

**We walk in an awkward silence until we're out of the school, a couple blocks, and then it's proving to be too much for me. This, last night, Tohru, everything.**

**"So what're you in detention for?" I ask. He looks startled for a moment, and then replies.**

**"Fighting. And you?****" ****This shocks me so much, I can hardly answer the question. Yuki? Fighting? I can't manage to ask what it was about, so I reply.**

**"Posession of illegal substances." His draw drops. I swear, it's dragging on the ground. He appears to be shocked, angry, and incredulous all in one. I wish I had a camera. "Well, they weren't mine, and the guy who reported me wasn't exactly believable, seeing as they caught him in the bathroom last week with a pound of the stuff they 'caught' me with, so putting me in detention was just a precaution."**

**"That's unfair."**

**"Yeah. That's life."**

**We stroll along awkwardly, and I catch him looking sidelong at me again. His eyes glitter from beneath his thick lashes. I gulp and walk faster. He calls out from behind me to slow down, but I can't see him, and I don't want to see him. I don't want to see that face. I don't want to see him looking at me that way. It's frightening, it's strange, and it's wrong. And I like it. **

* * *

_Kyo's speeding up to escape me, and I don't want that. I don't know what I want anymore, but I do know that I need Kyo next to me to purge out this feeling of emptiness...or Honda-san. But we can't have Honda-san, now, can we? _

_"Kyo, wait!" I cry out, but he just walks more quickly. I have a temper, you know, no matter how calm I am at school, and it's surfacing now. I run to catch up to Kyo, but by some phenomenon, I didn't wear shoes to school, and my bare feet sting as they pound the pavement, and I fall behind again. Kyo's walking so far ahead of me, and I know I'll never catch up._

_It's funny. I cry out for him in loneliness, and yet the effect makes me lonelier still. _

_Time passes. Shigure hasn't come home for a while now. That's how it is, nowadays. Honda-san isn't cooking dinner, and Shigure isn't buying takeout, so Kyo orders a small pizza, pays for it with a credit card borrowed without Shigure's knowledge, and eats by himself. I starve in my room. I'm not going to ask him for a slice. I can't walk past him to get to the phone. I'm not hungry, anyway. I haven't had much of an appetite, not since Honda-san left. I've lost a lot of weight, too much. I know what they say at school, what Ayame worries about me, that I'm anorexic. Yeah. Whatever. I just don't care enough to eat._

_A knock at my door, and I jump, throwing papers everywhere._

* * *

**Why would I do something like that?!**

* * *

_I can't believe it..._

* * *

**What was I thinking?!**

* * *

_I don't want to see him, and yet, I need to._

* * *

**That was innapropriate. I shouldn't have...**

* * *

_He shouldn't have. Great. Now I have to deal with this._

_"Yuki," he said. "You should eat."_

_Don't say my name, Kyo. I can't handle it. My bones will shatter, my veins will burst, I'll explode. I'm too fragile, and you've got such a power over me. Call me Sohma-kun, however strange it sounds coming from you, but call me as she used to. _

_"Nah," I mutter. Go away. Go away. Give up. But, no._

_"You're wasting away without Tohru." He speaks the truth, and I know it, but it still hurts me. How dare he mention her, when he's wasting away just as much as I am? "You're going to get sick."_

* * *

**Yuki looks like a sick person, an infern, sitting in his unmade bed, hair unbrushed, surrounded by a sea of un-done homework and magazine pages. He looks up as I enter, his eyes darker than usual against his even paler than usual skin. He has bags under his eyes and bruises on his arms - on him they're more noticable than they would normally be, contrasting dramatically with the ivory color of his flesh. His shirt is too big, his shorts too small. The sheets swirl around his long, slim legs, and I take in a breath as my eyes travel unbidden down his long, graceful lines.**

**"You're wasting away without Tohru," I tell him. He flinches and glances at his hands, buried in the sheets. I can see the anger in his eyes, but what's the point? It's the truth. He'd better face that fact, rather than run away as he's been doing his entire life. "You're going to get sick." He's already sick, and I can see it, even if he hides from the truth. **

**"No," he mumbles. "I'm good. Really. I'm not hungry."**

**He's still avoiding my eyes. I want him to look at me. I feel like slapping him again, getting him to respond. I'm going to shake him until he talks straight. I walk over to his bed, fueled by this burning anger. I spit at his face, "Are you anorexic, or just stupid?" I don't want him to answer, I want him to squirm under my gaze. Of course, he refuses to do so. He refuses to buckle under my anger. I hate that. **

* * *

_How do you answer a question like that? You're supposed to draw away, mutter something stupid, fade back with the insult. Yeah? I'm not going to play this game. _

_"I'm not anorexic. Not so sure about that second one," I say seriously. He doesn't laugh. Neither do I. It's not supposed to be funny. It's supposed to unnerve him, and it works. He's put off, unsure, so he speaks to cover up.  
_

_"Come down with me," He says, and blushes. I stare at him. "I mean, I saved some pizza - it's downstairs. And I'm going to make you eat it, bitch."_

_Oh. _

* * *

**I am. I mean it. I'm going to make him eat it. It's horrible to watch him slowly dying up here in his room, like he's too lethargic to even call for takeout. He's drifting now, and I can tell he's not really thinking. He glances at my face, and I'm relieved to see that his eyes hold no desire, that he's just spacing out. I can't handle Yuki like that, not when I'm trying to be firm, to get him to eat. Finally, he slowly swings his legs over the side of his bed, heaving himself onto the crap-strewn floor. He wobbles for a moment, and then steadies himself on the overturned bookcase.**

**He stumbles to the door, and I notice how thin he's gotten. Maybe he really is anorexic, the frickin' girly. I open the door for him, although he looks a little surprised, and we walk downstairs in an awkward silence. I can feel his gaze on one side of my face, traveling over my cheekbones, studying my face. He takes a seat at the table, and grabs a slice of pizza. I watch him until he starts picking at it, and then I go to watch TV. It's a good movie - Harry Potter III - and one of my favorites.**

**I can't watch the movie. I hear Yuki in the other room, rustling around, eating his pizza, and I can't help but to wonder what would happen if got up, marched straight in there, and did what I've been wanting to do to him. This is ridiculous. Sure, I've always had the wayward thoughts, the desires, and worst of all, the dreams, but doesn't every normal teenager? I'd wake up, breathing hard, sweaty, and aroused, but I could always tell myself they were just stupid little fantasies. Now, when he looks at me with those lust-filled eyes, I just don't know anymore, I can't feel the boundries... **

* * *

_I pretend to pick at my pizza while Kyo's watching. My stomach doesn't feel so good right now, and I keep hearing his words "come down with me" in my head, even though I know the true meaning of what he said. The pizza is cold and doesn't help my stomach at all. It settles there like a weight, dragging me down, slowing my thought process. I think I'm going to be sick. I lean over the table, dreading - I hate throwing up - but nothing comes out of my mouth. I throw the rest of my pizza into the garbage can, cover it up with some paper towels, and put my dishes away. No use, not even to please Kyo. _

_The TV flickers and runs. It's a fairly familiar movie, but I can't actually recall having seen it before. To take my mind off my churning intestines, I walk into the dark room, comforted by the darkness. I drape my arm over the back of Kyo's chair, pretending not to notice the way my arm brushes his chest._

_"So why's that guy macking on the dude who turns into a sexy monster?" I question, my voice coming out lower and breathier than usual. Good.  
_

_"They're not making out, and he's trying to keep him from going crazy," he replies, with a straight face. I sigh. He really doesn't get the symbolism here._

_"What's wrong with running a little wild for a night?" I say, trying to get him to blush._

_"Hm?"_

_"Never mind." What's the use?  
_

* * *

**Yuki comes up behind me, casual as you please, and frickin' puts an arm around me. Well, no, he's resting it on the chair, but it's lying on my chest, and I can feel his hot touch through my shirt, which I suddenly wish I wasn't wearing. I'm not paying attention to the movie, or to Yuki's words, I'm too distracted by my thoughts. Of him. **

**It's like I used to have this fire inside my soul, and it would keep me burning to defeat him. It pushed me onward, to try to break into the Sohma family. Nowadays, whenever I'm around him, the fire rises to my skin, it makes me flush and swoon, arouses me. It's no longer contained inside my body. I have no idea how to act without this hate driving me onward. I'm empty, a shell, broken. **

**The movie ends, and I don't notice, so Yuki grabs the remote from the table and tuns the TV off, startling me into the here and now. **_  
_

* * *

_I throw the room into complete and total darkness, with one finger on the power button. Kyo shifts, my hand brushes his chin and mouth, and for a nanosecond I can feel his teeth in the skin at the base of my index finger. I let my arm drop again, how far I'm not sure, but Kyo is very still. I want him. God, I want him so bad. I can't take it anymore. I have to get out of here._

_I flick on the light switch - the tension is starting to be too much for me. I start upstairs, figuring he's done forcefeeding me, and I can go sulk some more with my gossip magazines and read about how much of a slut some bigtime actress is, but I feel something on my waist. Kyo's hand. He just - he put a hand on my waist. I can still feel the shivers...I'm trying to act cool, but I don't know if it's working. Obviously if I knock him over and rip off his shirt, that's not being too cool. _

_"Hey, you -" His voice is husky, and I can tell he's not in his right mind either. This is crazy._

_"Say my name," I whisper. Say my name, say my name, say my name, make me scream inside for you. I don't think he heard me. _

_"You feeling okay?" He continues, and I know that he hasn't. Mmm, this is fun anyway. _

_"Yeah. My stomach's not so good, though. I didn't manage to eat that slice." _

_He's looking at me weirdly, now, and I wonder what he's going to do. Scratch that. If he's going to do what I think he is. I feel oddly detatched - I thought by now I would be all over him, but it's like I'm watching a movie. A twisted movie. I'm removed, and I don't feel like I thought I would - scared, excited, disgusted, hot, whatever, but I'm just emotionless. I need something to happen. I need to go faster. I need to feel something, anything. I need him to scream my name.

* * *

_

**"You..." I can see his eyes intensify, focusing so darkly on mine. After a moment, he looks away again, like he's been let down. He turns to face me completely now, and I realize he's only a couple centimeters shorter than I am. Despite his air of confidence, or at least, the air of confidence he used to hold so gracefully, I've always felt like he was shorter than I am. Maybe it's his girly looks...damn his girly looks. The looks that've got more than half the school head-over-heels for him. The looks that've got him so high in society. The looks that sunk him so far, when he collapsed. The looks that've got me burning hot for him right now.**

**"What you gonna say? What you gonna do?" Yuki says, his voice filled with a sharply sensual question and taunt. I blink again, frozen. His head is tilted to one side, his lavender eyes daring me, the tongue flickering across his full pink lips daring me so much more. He rephrases the question, trying to get a response out of me. It works. Eroticly."What're you gonna do to me? Where're you gonna lay me down? When're you going to give me what you've been longing to?"**

**And I do. My body seizes control of my mind, and I corner him against the wall, hunger consuming my movements.**

**I don't have time to think...**

**Just...let my hormones take over...**

**It's sudden...**

**It's exhilirating...**

**...and it's over in a second. **

**I press my mouth to his, surprisingly soft and moist, and I pull away almost as soon as he can process the action. His eyes go wide, looking into mine, and his breath against my skin is shorter than usual. I can feel electricity from that kiss, so chaste, and I can hardly imagine how thrilling more would feel like. I try to move back in, tell him I'm not interested in sweet and sappy, but I'm frozen with his gaze. So compelling, the color of rain, the gray raindrops that weaken me.**

* * *

[YUKI 

He kisses me so gently, so innocently, it's almost more shocking than if he'd been passionate. He's staring at me. He has to stop staring at me. I growl deep in my throat, advancing until he's the one pressed against a wall, the opposite wall now, I can feel the icy heat in my veins. I take advantage of his slack jaw, and return his favor tenfold, kissing him as I've been imagining until he gasps for breath, and I let up. I can't stop, my lips have a mind of their own, kissing his jaw, his ear, his neck, his shoulder, his collarbone...at this point he reclaims my mouth, and I can feel the real Kyo beneath all that hesitance, the real passion, the real lust, everything he's been trying to hide.

We must break apart again, for the cursed breath, and I hold him at shoulder length. He strains forward, trying to kiss me again, but I want to talk to him. I want to see his eyes as I torment him with my fantasies, I want to feel him react beneath my finger and my gaze, and I want him to beg me for more. Call me a sadist, but it's the truth.

* * *

[KYO 

He pulls me away, holding me once again with that captivating gaze, freezing my blood in it's veins, turning all that blood around until my entire body is running backwards. His hands on my shoulder taunt me, and I can still feel those luscious lips react to mine, the shivers along my spine as his kisses along my shoulders tease me with the promise of kisses along my entire being.

"What do you want, Kyo?" His playful voice rasps in his throat, as though I've stolen his voice along with his breath. "What do you want to do to me? I know what I want...would you like to hear me say it, aloud, I dare?" I don't trust my voice. I nod. Anything to keep him talking, anything to keep his gaze burning into my soul. I want to hear his desire in words, I want to hear him voice it, make it real. Finalize it. I want to realize that he is really, actually, saying these things to me.

"I want you to carry me upstairs and kiss me senseless, take me to my bedroom or yours, it doesn't matter. Even Shigure's will do. I want you to lay me down on the bed and spread my legs wide. I want you to run your hands along the contours of my inner thighs, feel my curves with more than your eyes. Yes, I'd still be wearing pants. For how much longer, I can't promise."

With this he shudders, shaking his head slightly. He quickly gets back on topic, his dangerous gaze and deadly words getting more and more explicit with each sentence. My breath hitches as he speaks again, getting faster and faster as my skin heats. His words and the ideas, the images the present are as evocative as he intends them to be, they burn their way into my brain, and I can't help imagining everything he says. "I want to rip your shirt off, see you in all your feline glory. I want to feel you tremble against me as your hand shakes, undoing my fly. I want to feel your breath against my skin as you pant your sweet words of promise. I want you to get hard for me, against me. But do you know what I really want, most of all? I want -"

I never heard what it was Yuki wants most of all, because at that moment a strange, disgusted, almost comical look passes over his face, and he throws up all over my favorite shirt.

* * *

[YUKI 

I never told him, did I, that night? I never managed to get it out.

What I want most of all, Kyo, what I want more than anything else...say one word. Two syllables. You've heard it often, I'm sure, everywhere, even on the weather forecast. Yuki.


	3. Itsumo, Kyo

Yes, there's going to be one more chapter. Don't worry, the ending is happier than this ending...I could never leave it at this!

This story hates me...

Why is Kyo acting like an over-emotional teenage girl?!...DAMN YOU, KEYBOARD!_

* * *

_

_The heat rises to my face, so horribly sickly and enveloping. Sweet. Stiffling. Ugh. _

_My eyes refuse to close. My eyelids are heavy, and yet a sticky substance seems to stick my eyelashes together, preventing them from settling. I can feel his touch on my arm, he's calling my name, but it all means nothing to me now. I shove him away from me. I can't stand the thought of his body heat, all around me, hightening my heart rate, bringing color to my cheeks...revolting._

_Darkness...oh, blessed darkness...I can see the path away from this horror, waiting at the edge of my vision, and I begin to sink into unconciousness, but his hand on my cheek forces me back to reality. I moan, upset._

_"Yuki!" He growls, shaking me. I bury my head in his shoulder, escape impossible. "Yuki! Stay with me!"_

_"I will," I speak softly, deliriously. "Forever, Kyo."_

_I giggle, and faint into his arms. _

* * *

**"Forever, Kyo," He promises, and with that, passes out. **

**"Yuki!" I cry, but he shows no sign of having heard me. His face is flushed with fever, his eyelids fluttering with uneasy dreams, his hand on my shoulder looks like a skeleton's claw. I take him upstairs to his room, for the second time in...two days? Two weeks? Two minutes? It's blurred together.**

**I sit vigil for him, at his bedside. A desk lamp is on, but it's inadequate light leaves shadows at the corners of the rooms. I have no book, but I spend seconds, minutes, hours, eons watching him sleep. His cheeks regain their ivory coloring, his breathing slows, and his tossing and turning ceases. His sleep is lighter now, more natrual. Relief floods me, and my eyes are the pair that close now...**

* * *

_A sound, half squeak, half sigh, escapes my mouth. The room slowly comes into focus, first color, then shapes, and finally, lines. He's sitting at my bedside, dozing quietly, but he jerks awake at my movement. His eyes are so intense, I can't meet his gaze._

_"A-are you okay?" His voice is quieter than I thought, but it's shaking, and I can tell he's worried. Why does that make me happy?_

_"Yeah," I say, giving him my Miss America smile. He doesn't buy it. _

_"No, you're not," Kyo says, leaning forward, gazing directly into my eyes, and I cannot move. I am hypnotized, I cannot look away, no matter how much that gaze sears me. The pressure of his hands on the covers that wrap my legs brings me back to my senses, and I meet his lips with my own, breaking the spell. Curse. The kiss is long and sweet, and just as I can feel myself being swept away, a thought shatters my moment of bliss._

_Honda-san._

_What would she think?_

_I shrink back, turning away, and I can feel his hand on my shoulder, questioning, worried. I realize my hand is pressed to my mouth - in shock, I suppose - and I cough into it, covering my slip._

_"Sorry."_

_"No, don't be sorry. I shouldn't have...you're sick.."_

_But he's sorry. We're both embarassed now, and he doesn't know what to say. Neither do I._

* * *

**How strange is this, to be sitting next to that damn rat, on his bed, and how much stranger, to care about him? To worry when he's sick, to want to be next to him, to kiss him. I can feel him sitting there, feel his heat, the pressure of him on the mattress, hear his coughing, which subsides...I am too aware. **

**I turn to look at him, knees drawn up to his chest, head turned away from me, and sorrow washes over me like a wave. I've screwed it all up when I kissed him, the first time, ruined...ruined what? What was there to ruin? There's nothing left, without her. No love, no loss, no life to lose. Yet still, I feel as though this uncertainty is worse than anything else I've endured.**

**Well, no. But what the hell am I supposed to do?**

* * *

_"Well...goodnight, I suppose."_

_"Wait - don't go," I protest, grasping his collar with a shaking hand. He looks down into my face, and I push away all thoughts of her, just as I'm holding back my tears. Just as I've been holding them back since she left. Just as I've been holding them back all my life. "What time is it, anyway?"_

_"Almost time for breakfast...I guess I'll go make it..."_

_"Breakfast can wait," I murmur, pulling him down, wrapping my arms around him, kissing him breathless._

* * *

**Why is it that every time Yuki touches me, I forget everything else? Why is it that every time Yuki meets my eyes, I want to forget?**

**Suddenly, I'm pressed against the bed, his lips and teeth - God, those teeth - pressed against the corner of my jawbone. His fingernails are drawn across the skin below my ears, down my neck. I shiver pleasantly, and he kisses my mouth again. I kiss back with a passion. His hand drifts across my shirt, past my waist, following the line of my hip bone, I shiver like a dog outside on a winter night -**

**"B-b..." Somehow, the cough manages to leave my mouth. Too far, too fast, I want to say, but I can't manage it.**

**"What is it, Kyo?" He breathes, drawing back to look at me. I must be a mess - he is. Shirt half-buttoned, one sock off, eyes shining like crystals, hair all over the place. He looks like an onion losing it's layers. **

**"Breakfast. I'm...I'm hungry."**

**"So'm I." He looks at me through half-closed eyes, breath coming hard.**

**"NOT what I meant," I growl, standing quickly, tossing a pillow out of my way. He sits there, staring at me, lips slightly parted. "You coming?" I ask, and he grins, getting to his feet with grace.**

* * *

_Stop resisting, Kyo. You're a tough nut to crack, but the more you resist, the harder I want to pummel you until you give in. It angers me so. Let me know how you feel, dammit, you know you want me. _

_We're seated at the table across from each other, silently eating natto, when the door opens, creaking from unuse. I can't remember the last time I saw daylight. That's funny...I'm sure it wasn't that long ago - I think. Was it?...Bags under his eyes, the hunched shoulders of an old man, pale face, Shigure looks older and more tired than I've ever seen him. He has a briefcase clutched under one arm, a bottle of sake in the other hand._

_"Shigure!" I exclaim, startled out of silence. I glance at Kyo, sure he's glaring at me, but he's just staring at Shigure. We didn't expect him to be home any time soon, as we haven't seen him lately, and his sudden appearence kind of ruins our lifestyle, as of late._

_"Miss me?" He tries to crack a smile, but it falls flat. He sighs, and slings his briefcase onto the table in a weak, tired movement. Losing Honda-san has leeched him of energy, taken any care I might have posessed, stolen Kyo's self-control. Where's the bright side to this life?_

* * *

**Shigure looks damn horrible. I don't know what he's been doing, but it's not good for him. Psh. Serves him right, letting Tohru leave like that. It's his fault, she told him first, and he doesn't give a shit. ****I know I'm being unjust, but I'm seething, and I don't have an outlet anymore. My view of Yuki has completely changed, and it's totally disorientating.**

**Time passes. ****The sun moves across it's heavenly chart.**

**I sulk in my room, wishing Shigure would leave, so Yuki and I could be alone. Earlier, we snuck off into an dark and dusty corner, but we kept jumping at every sound from downstairs. It was too nervewracking, so we went our seperate ways. Yuki's reading downstairs, I'm sulking in my room.**

**A knock. "Come in, shithead."**

**It's Yuki. I'm on my feet in a flash, and we're together again, my perfect enemy and I. He's close to me now, his delicate fingers trailing lines across my shoulderblades, his lips at my neck, the warmth from his skin defrosting my hand. I'm reaching behind him, locking the door. We don't care about Shigure now. I pull him close. He puts his mouth against my ear, whispers so softly I can barely understand.**

**"We have to stop this."**

**Ice.**

* * *

_What can I say? It sickens me - not him, never him. This whole thing sickens me, this whole...affair. It feels like we're disrespecting Honda-san, disrespecing ourselves, to break down these long-lasting boundries so suddenly. Do I like boys, do I like Kyo, do I like myself? Questions unanswerable. Confusion, terror, panic, I want it all cleared away. Love, warmth, kindness from Kyo the hated, it's too much. I'm going to break._

_"We have to stop this," I whisper into his ear, beating back a sob. He stiffens, and the hand caressing my waist freezes. I blink, willing the tears to die. They don't come forth, thank God. _

_"What?" He asks me. His eyes are like a sunset, those eyes begging me not to say it._

_"We have to stop this," I mutter, finding my feet very interesting. "Shigure's killing himself over it. We have to get Honda-san back."_

_His eyes widen with shock, betrayal. I hate myself. I've tried to make it sound like we're getting her back for Shigure's sake, but we both know it's a lie. _

* * *

**"That can't be right! Give me the map!"**

**"No."**

**Facade. Fake. Stupid. Cover. Disguise. We're pretending it never happened, we're pretending we never kissed, and I am pretending I don't love him. He doesn't love me, he can't. No one with a heart could do that. Throw someone away like that, though I suppose I should be used to it by now. It's happened to me often enough.**

**She's crying, poor thing, about us. She thinks we care, she thinks we love her, she thinks we want her back. It's true, we do. But it's more complicated than that, my dear. I think I love Yuki, but I still want to hold her, comfort her, tell her we still like her, but that damn Yuki beats me to it.**

**"Then come back home." ****Damn rat, beating me to it. After taking everything else away from me, he can't leave me with one thing?**

**We're home, and it's exactly like it used to be.**

**"What took you guys so long?" Shigure complains, patting Tohru's shoulder benignly.**

**"What?"**

**"It's been a whole week!" He exclaims, implying that he could never be without his lovely little cherry blossom for longer than that. A week? It feels like an eon.**

* * *

_He can't seriously be mad at me. Surely he could see what was happening, that I was breaking down, Shigure had nearly broken, and he was the only one on the mend? Selfish bastard. Of course, it's not like the stupid cat could ever act human enough to feel pity._

_It was the only thing to do, and if he can't see that, it's his fault. He's got to learn to look at the bigger picture. What about Honda-san? Doesn't he love her, doesn't he want her to be happy? What about _me?

_Anyway, there's no way for us...for me and him...for...for this to exist. It was stupid of me to ever think we could be more, and it's even more moronic if he still thinks we can be together. It was never going to happen. _

_It's his fault._

_I didn't do anything wrong._

_So why can't I sleep?_

* * *

**I hate him. I do. I hate him more than I ever did before, I wish every fiber of his being would dissolve into ashes.**

**"Stupid cat." What about the kisses we shared?**

**"Damn rat." Acting like nothing ever happened.**

**We have our perfect lives back, except for one thing. We won't fight anymore, at least not physically. He realizes that if we touch he could lose control again, God forbid, and let his stupid mask slip up. He could remember. The ice could crack. **

**I don't want that any more than he does. I don't want to be with such a cruel bastard, I don't want to love him. I don't want to melt every time he his eyes lock with mine, but apparently my body's not listening to me.**

**_"Itsumo, Kyo."_**

**_"Forever, Kyo."_**

**_"Forever, tomorrow."_**

**_"Forever, until tomorrow."_**

**_"Goodbye."_**

* * *

_I see him, he glares at me, but I don't do anything. I glare back, sigh, make an offhand comment to Honda-san. So he hates me, so what? I don't love him, I never did. So we had something. So what? I hate him, and nothing's going to change that. The rat and the cat will always be enemies. He needs to get a touch of reality. _

_Honda-san's place is here, with us, and our places will always be opposite one another. That's how it always works. _

* * *

_The rat and the cat will always be enemies..._

Rat's nose quivered. So there was a banquet, for the animals? And he was supposed to tell the Cat?

"Rat, shouldn't you get going?" Rat's annoying wife, Mouse, pestered. She was always on his nerves. "Aren't you supposed to be telling that handsome Cat about the banquet?"

"Yes," Rat muttered. "I'm going, I"m going..." He set out from their home, feeling the anger curling in the bottom of his stomach. He couldn't tell the Cat, they should have known before they asked him. The Cat was so powerful, so much larger than he, so beautiful, the Rat had always felt overshadowed by him. Besides that, Rat knew there was something sparkling in the Cat's eyes when he looked upon the Rat, and Rat was scared of what that might mean.

"Yeah?" The irritable Cat growled, answering the door. When he saw Rat standing awkwardly there, he softened, seeming more suprised than grouchy. "Sorry. I thought you were the IRS. What are you here for?"

"Um," Rat stuttered, staring at his paws. He could feel the blush coming to his cheeks, and he knew that his soft grey fur would not disguise it. "I...I'm supposed to..."

"Look," Cat meowed kindly, putting a comforting paw on Rat's shoulder. Rat flinched, his eyes wide. "I would like to talk to you, but I've got brownies in the oven, and they'll burn if I don't get back to them soon."

"I-I'm supposed to tell you...there's going to be a banquet," Rat managed to say, still avoiding Cat's eyes.

"Oh, great, I'll see you there," Cat seemed eager at the opportunity to see Rat. They hardly ever met, even though their village was small - this was Rat's doing. He couldn't handle the feelings that Cat stirred in him. "When is it?"

Rat didn't want to see Cat. He didn't want Cat to make him question the unspoken rules he was supposed to follow. He didn't want everyone, especially Mouse, to see his reaction to the Cat's kindness. He was scared of Cat, and scared of himself.

"T-the day after tomorrow." He was a coward. He hated himself.


	4. Aurora

The old wooden door creaked open, laughing voices and soft music emenating from inside. It was the sound of a party - a happy party, but not out of control. There was drinking, but no drunks. A tall boy - more of a man, really - stepped out onto the porch, his lavender-silver eyes glimmering merrily in the fading light, dragging another man with him. This second man was muscular, but muscular in the way that a runner or a figure skater is muscular. His long limbs glowed with catlike grace and power. The first man hitched himself up onto the railing, gazing down into the deep ravine below, his eyes bright with merriment and wine.

"Hey, Yuki, what'cha drag me out here for?" The second man asked laughingly, looking over his shoulder back at the house. He seemed slightly tense, wary.

"I wanted to show you, Kyo." Yuki faced into the wind, into the sunset, and Kyo was afraid for a moment that he might tumble off the railing and into the abyss of the ravine. He tensed as he felt Yuki's hand on his wrist, pulling him forward until his stomach bumped against the rail and his chest leaned dangerously over. His eyes widened as the sight of the hillside below filled his vision. The shadows stood out against the sunset, a golden glow filling the area, each blade of grass visible to Kyo's amazed eyes. "It looks like someone took a pencil and drew shadows behind everything. Sweet, huh?"

"Yeah, definitely," Kyo murmured unthinkingly. He leaned over the railing for a moment, awestruck by the sunset's brilliance, before he snapped out of it, and pulled himself back. He turned back to Yuki. Yuki's eyes glittered in the fading sun, shadows playing mysteriously across his cheeks. He looked like a man who was contemplating a long-forgotten subject, neither pleasant nor unpleasant.

"Kyo?"

"Yeah?"

"I...I just want you to know," Yuki's voice was tentative as he spoke. He didn't meet Kyo's eyes. "I feel like we're both very lucky in how this has turned out. I wanted to tell you that I have not a single ounce of romantic feeling left for your fianceé."

"And I none for yours," Kyo replied, dipping his head in respect. His response seemed automatic, almost mechanic.

"That makes no sense. You never liked her in the first place." The sentiment seemed almost like a joke, but there was a sharp edge to it, almost a dangerous edge. Yuki sensed that there was more Kyo was thinking than he felt like telling.

"I just wanted us to be on equal terms," Kyo protested, staring just past Yuki at the doorframe. He could feel the tension between them, a tension that hadn't existed for almost half a decade.

"We were never equal." Yuki's words were entirely serious, filled with a half-emotion that Kyo couldn't decipher. There was no reference to Kyo's many defeats at Yuki's hands, or Tohru's choice of Kyo over Yuki.

"Yuki," Kyo was speaking fast, as though he was afraid that if he slowed down, he would stop all-together. "I know you said you don't have an ounce of romantic feeling for Tohru...but what about...what about me?"

Immediately, Kyo regretted his words. Clouds scurried across Yuki's glittering eyes, hinting at the tumult within_. Why couldn't I have just left it_ alone? Yuki had taken a step forward, his face far too close to Kyo's for comfort. Yuki's head was tilted to one side, as though in contemplation, as he quickly closed the distance between them. Kyo closed his eyes, half in regret, half in anticipation, but they snapped open when he felt Yuki's lips touch his cheek, before the other man quickly withdrew, his hand reaching for doorknob.

Kyo leaned back against the railing, staring at his hands in regret and confusion, his eyes half-closed, when Yuki's clear voice rang out once more.

"Maybe an ounce...nothing more." Yuki was halfway through the door, turning back to Kyo almost as an after-thought. Kyo realized what he'd meant...the kiss on the cheek was a nod towards their almost-forgotten past, a token of goodbye, and a note that he still remembered and cared, but they had to move on. Machi was waiting.

"Y'know, if we'd been able to talk like this back then, it might be you and me celebrating tonight together, instead of us and the girls," Kyo gave a sad smile, his tone more bitter than he would have liked. Yuki gave a curt nod, and closed the door behind him with a _clunk _of closure.

Kyo turned his head to gaze once more at the beautiful mountain landscape. The sun was just now setting, leaving behind the warmth of the day, but welcoming the next. That was fine. Yuki was fine. He, Kyo, was fine. They would be alright. Kyo's crimson eyes closed, the chilly breeze brushed his face, as a single tear escaped from under his eyelid, but was quickly swept away by the wind. He loved Tohru. He was content, at last, and tears for Yuki had no place in his life.

* * *

_Owari_

_(No, Kyo's not still in the closet and trying to ignore it...he's facing facts, that they might have had a chance at being in love, but they can't erase past mistakes...)_


End file.
